[Interview Transcript]

Interviewer: Can you tell me a little about yourself? What do you feel comfortable saying? Maybe where you're from or what you enjoy doing?

Ryan: Well, I hail from Southern Oregon down there, Medford. I moved up from Medford to Portland around 2000. I got offered a painting job at the shipyard, so I took it up and worked there for about three years with my uncle. He was a foreman there. And then I was living in Portland at that time. The last 20 years has been here in Vancouver. I was only supposed to be here for like three months. That was 20 years ago.

Interviewer: What about what you enjoy doing?

Ryan: What I enjoy doing? I like building stuff — carpentry, houses, art. I'm going to be starting making pallet furniture here shortly, so that's going to be my new project. I like sports, outdoors, and spending time with my family and kids. I've been called funny a couple times, and clever.

Interviewer: Can you tell me what life looked like before experiencing homelessness?

Ryan: Oh man, what was it like? It was, well, I was younger. I mean, I was decent, I guess. At the time I was complaining about life and stuff, but now that I look back on it, I really shouldn't have been whining. It was simple. I was like 21 and all that.

Interviewer: Is it what most 21-year-olds are going to complain about these days, or something different?

Ryan: Man, nowadays, yeah, they're kind of whiny. But I think that's just with every generation. I was kind of behind in my times. Like, I'm 44 right now and I still don't have my license. People my age are at a certain point in their life where they own property, have bad credit and all that. I'm just now getting that stuff started. Back then I really cared what other people thought about me, but I stopped caring.

Interviewer: Were there things you loved doing or people you were close to during this time?

Ryan: I didn't have my kids yet, but I've always been very family oriented. I don't have a handful of friends, but the friends I do have are really close. Just sitting down, bullshitting, having a beer — it doesn't take much to amuse me really. Anything shiny, a round penny, stuff like that. Just being around good company is my favorite.

Interviewer: Would you be open to sharing what led to your homelessness?

Ryan: This last time it was mostly just COVID. COVID did a number on me as it did with a lot of people worldwide. I stopped working and that was a domino effect. I couldn't pay the bills, couldn't pay rent and all that. 2019 was kind of a shitty year for me and depression kind of got the best of me. The lockdown actually helped me being homeless though, because cops weren't allowed to move you anywhere during quarantine. Within that time, I built this like apartment on top of a bridge — had a guest room, power, running water and all that. I stayed there for over a year. So that was kind of a plus side to the quarantine.

Interviewer: What were some challenges?

Ryan: The way the city makes people move like every two weeks, it's hard to really get stuff done. Just packing everything up gets exhausting mentally and physically. Staying focused and keeping your spirits up — that was a challenge. Trying to keep a smile through all of that. I don't like taking pills so I was just trying to deal with my depression on my own. I've got a good poker face. And when they make you move like that, it's just a spiraling vicious circle. You always have to start all over again. It's hard to keep going. You kind of want to just give up, but keeping positive is a challenge.

Interviewer: How do you keep it positive?

Ryan: Well, now I gotta give all that credit to my kids. They're the only reason I'm still here. They're the only reason. They help keep me positive. And the little accomplishments here and there — those add up. They might be small, but they're mighty.

Interviewer: What was everyday life like while you were homeless?

Ryan: Because of them making us move so much, I ended up just being like a floater — floating from friend to friend, couch to couch. I got tired of my belongings being confiscated by the city, so I pretty much just had a backpack full of stuff. And then you got the handful of assholes that give a bad name to the whole homeless community — the ones that leave drugs and paraphernalia out in front of children, stepping in human waste and all that. But the majority of homeless people are real people, humans, a lot with good hearts. They're struggling like everybody else. There's a lot of giving people out here, churches and stuff — that's always been a blessing. I never liked being homeless, but I guess I got used to it. But it gets old quick. And then fentanyl came in — terrible, terrible stuff. Friends dying left and right. But every now and then the community comes together when needed and has each other's backs.

Interviewer: Is there a moment that stands out to you during this time?

Ryan: This last time during COVID it all really just felt like — have you guys seen the movie Click with Adam Sandler? Where he watches himself just go through autopilot? That's kind of what it's been. Just going through autopilot, staring off. It's rare where I get to stop and just breathe, absorb it all in, get to know my surroundings. And this place is exactly what I needed. It's a hand up, not a handout. Somewhere steady where I can stop, get my thoughts together, make that phone call to try to get a job and all that good stuff.

Interviewer: What kinds of support did you try to access and how was that experience?

Ryan: The staff here do a good job at support. I didn't think I was going to like it being here but I like it a lot better than I thought I would. There are a couple of hiccups but nothing I can't handle. My friends are supportive too — I only have a handful of real friends, the rest are just people I know. A lot of the support comes from the staff here, and also all the caseworkers and managers that go around passing out lunch. They keep on every day with a smile, still dealing with everything. I'm sure they get their fair share of difficult people, but a lot of them I can tell genuinely care. They'll take the time to remember what you said last week — and that means a lot. Seeing good folks like that still out there — that's probably part of why I'm still alive right now.

Interviewer: Can you tell me how things started to change for you?

Ryan: The minute I got in here. Like I said, it's exactly what I needed to start getting my feet on the ground. I've been here since January and I've gotten quite a bit done compared to the speed things move on the streets. I got my ID, my social security card is coming, and I just called my old boss today and got rehired. I get to have clean clothes — that helps, you know, not smelling like an armpit. A shower. And it's all free. I don't have to go hungry. It's a good place. I'm fortunate to have them.

Interviewer: Are there any specific services, people, or programs here that made a big difference?

Ryan: Well, Outsiders Inn is pretty big — I understand you guys have a couple of things going on, including the church, and that always helps. The mobile DSHS unit really helps because the regular office is way out there and it's easy for me to talk myself out of going because of the distance. Them coming to me helps out a lot. And all the ones that just come on a daily basis — that means a lot.

Interviewer: What does being a part of this community mean to you?

Ryan: That's a good question. It's been a long time since I've been part of a community. It was actually my first time really accepting being part of one, I guess. I didn't even realize I'm part of a community now. It makes me feel like I'm a part of something. It makes me feel like I need to lead by example. And helping each other — love thy neighbor, man. Whoever that is, whoever's your neighbor. That's what it means to me. I'm not too sure what Google says on it, but that's what it means to me.

Interviewer: What are you most proud of?

Ryan: It don't take much to make me proud — I get tickled pink just for tying my shoe right. But my kids — they're pretty good little kids. Good people. That makes me proud.

Interviewer: What are your hopes and goals for the future?

Ryan: To get my kids and raise them. And to have bad credit — because I've never had credit before. Just trying to be like everybody else. I want some property, argue with my neighbors, borrow sugar and all that stuff. Like I said, I'm getting a late start, but whatever comes with all that. Late start and all this.

Interviewer: Is there anything you want others to know about homelessness or your story?

Ryan: Man, that's a good question. There's some stuff I feel like I should say — some wise Chinese proverb or something. But just... there's an old rule everybody's heard: treat others as you want to be treated. Try to keep that in mind.

Interviewer: What was it like being a parent while also experiencing homelessness?

Ryan: Well, thank god for my mother-in-law, because she's doing what I can't at the moment. That's some of the stuff I was most depressed about — not being able to provide for my children. I worried about their friends asking what their dad does and my kids having to say "my dad lives in a bush." I just want better for them. But they never really let that phase them. Somehow they still love me and still look up to me and are proud of me for whatever reason. That's all any dad can ask for. I went to my oldest son's graduation — that made my day. And one thing I want to say: just cause one's homeless, that doesn't mean you gotta look homeless. I tried not to look homeless. Keep yourself fresh. I think that's important.

Interviewer: Can you tell me more about the fentanyl problem and what that experience was like?

Ryan: So many people, so many friends have died from it. I've got friends that don't even use it and they died from it. It's strong, powerful stuff. I've got a baby's mom caught up in all that, and I'm just waiting for the day I get a friend coming up to me telling me she didn't make it. I'm reminded every day of why I don't do that stuff. Every day. Damn shame. I don't know much about it — I know it stinks when you smoke it, I know people die from it, and I know I never want to touch it. That's really all I know. It's a killer.

Interviewer: The work you're going back to — is that the same job that brought you up here, the painting at the docks?

Ryan: No no, this was pre-COVID, just before COVID. I'm going to be doing house maintenance and remodeling and all that. Under the table, but I don't care. My boss is an asshole but I can't wait for him to be an asshole again.

Interviewer: Other people have described life out there as "survival mode" — always on the lookout, no breathing room, an emergency always within arm's reach. Was that accurate for you or did it feel different?

Ryan: What it felt like to me was just... confusion. I think I got all the answers, you know, but I won't take any of my own advice. The free time you do get, I would use to smoke some weed, let my nerves calm down. Every now and then you get a moment to sit down and bullshit with your friends, laugh — but then ten minutes go by and there's drama again. Somebody stole something. The city keeps you busy, always having to find a new spot, trying to camouflage it, prospecting for somewhere you might get a couple weeks out of before you have to move again. But these guys — the city knows every spot there is.

Interviewer: Last question — how did three months turn into 20 years?

Ryan: I have no idea, man. When I first started at the shipyard I was living in Portland, I was like 21, and I did not even want to go to Vancouver. I thought it was full of yuppies and old people. But I ended up moving up here with my uncle who got me the job. I told myself, give it three months and I'm out of this place. That was 20 years ago. Just zoomed by. I evidently had kids within those 20 years and time goes by really quick. I think the recipe for that is — when you're 10 years old, one year is a tenth of your life. When you're 100, one year is one hundredth of your life. And I think that's why time goes by so fast. From that I learned: you gotta just enjoy the now while it's happening. Don't worry about the past, don't worry about the future — just right now, enjoy it, love it. It's gonna go by real quick. I'm 44 and look at all this gray hair. Enjoy the moment while you still can, before you lose your chance.

I was thinking about places that are special to me — I was giving props to Medford, thank you for raising me, went to school there from first grade to senior year. Props to Portland too, I always loved it and lived there for years, it helped mold me. And then just like a week ago I started liking Vancouver. I was giving thanks to my hometowns and then the back of my head said, well what about Vancouver? And I thought, well, I've lived here for 20 years — I haven't lived anywhere else that long. So I gave props to Vancouver. And Vancouver's alright. You get to know the right people, it's alright. The river is nice. There's a lot of cool stuff in Vancouver. This is where Lewis and Clark ended up — gotta respect the history.

It's taking a while but I think I'm finally getting on the path. My goal is just to raise good children, and for them to be raised so they can raise good children. This place helped me get back on that path. When I was growing up I wasn't supposed to be a father — I was just gonna be a little hussy, whatever. But it didn't work out like that. Now I gotta be a dad and make my dad proud. That's my goal. And this place helped.