“What is Survival Mode” by Taira

My name is Taira.

I've lived in Washington since about 2006. Before that, my parents were military, so I traveled all around. I was originally born in Nebraska, went down south, and then came all the way back up north.

I've loved living here in Washington, this is my home. I love being outdoors, especially during the summertime, and just doing outdoor things with my family, whether it be walking the dog, hiking, or just enjoying the weather.

When I became homeless, I had to learn a lot of survival skills, resiliency, and become very ingenuitive. I was in a very abusive marriage. The only reason I stayed was because I had two children with him. It was really, really hard. Divorcing him is what led to my homelessness. I'd rather be homeless than continue going through that traumatic experience. I was indoors but I wasn't living.

There's definitely a stigma when it comes to homelessness. People view you differently, as less than, whether it’s due to addiction or something else. I went from being a medical assistant to being viewed only as what I was at that moment. It was a huge adjustment. Nobody sees who you were before; they only view you now. Overcoming the way people look at you while trying to make do with what you have. The people who were in the same situation helped me more than people who already had everything they needed. There was a sense of community. People would give you the shirt off their back even though they hardly had  anything themselves, it’s very humbling. I made a lot of friends and learned a lot of lessons. There’s so much to learn when going through homelessness.

Me and my fiance were living out of our vehicle, trying to find a safe place to park and sleep at night. We were constantly being moved on because nobody wants you parking in their parking lot. Having to constantly worry about being towed was a struggle. A couple of times people even tried to break into our vehicle while we were in it. That was really scary.

Honestly, when you're stuck in survival mode every single day, it's hard to accomplish anything. You can have all these goals, but you can't even think about them because you're wondering where you're going to park in the next hour, where your next meal is going to be. It's very difficult. Survival mode is where you are being so consumed with everything in that moment, because in that moment, everything could change. Someone could come up and tell you to move, and so you've got to worry about where you're going to go, you've got to worry about where you're going to sleep, and worry about all these factors that can change minute by minute. You can't think about what's past the next day because you have to stay in that moment, make sure you're prepared for that moment, it's so overwhelming. 

One time, we had been parking in a spot, and an officer told us we couldn’t be there anymore. We had a place back in the woods and were trying to move our stuff out. I didn’t have cell service, so I went to the nearest store to use their Wi-Fi. I just happened to see a truck coming down the road and thought, “Oh no oh no, don’t turn left.” Well, it turned left. I got on my bike and rode to our van. It was already hooked up, with the same officer standing there. I was begging him, “Please don’t tow my vehicle, I don’t have the money.” The officer asked the tow truck how much it would cost to unhook it, and he paid for it himself. He gave us a second chance. After losing everything, I could’ve lost everything again. That officer’s compassion really stuck with me.

I didn’t know much about the support available at the time. I called different agencies but wasn’t getting anywhere. It makes you depressed, you keep reaching out and hearing nothing back. It makes you almost want to give up. Then I heard about Outsiders Inn. I came down, did what they asked me to do, and they gave us a chance. After years of reaching out and getting nothing, I was like, “Oh my God, this is our chance.” It was wonderful.

Things started to get better once we were able to get into the Outpost Community, I didn’t have to worry about survival mode anymore. I knew where I was going to be. I knew my van was safe. I knew I was safe. It gave me the opportunity to finally go after the goals I had. And it's just... It was such a blessing, honestly, it was a huge relief. I could focus on myself instead of the next hour, the next day.

The staff at Outsiders Inn made a big difference. They provided peer support. If I was having a bad day, I had someone I could talk to. Or if I needed help filling out an application, they provided tools to help me so I could do it on my own. The community is like a big family, staff, community members, and the different organizations that come help with meals. It’s great being part of something where everybody just supports each other. I was a resident here, and now I’m an employee. It feels like it’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I love this type of work, it’s opened up a lot of opportunities for me to give back to the community and let people in my situation know there’s hope. There’s someone who understands and wants to walk beside you. 

I love working for Outsiders Inn. Every day is different. I greet people at the gate in the morning and get to share in their journeys, their struggles, their successes. The people I work for are so compassionate. It’s awesome to work for an organization that loves helping the community and wants to make the world a better place. It's amazing what Outsiders Inn does to empower each person on their journey, helping them become stable and realize they're not alone. It’s awesome to see people gain stability, realize they can do things on their own, and go back out into the world.

There are so many misconceptions about homelessness. One of the biggest is that people assume if you’re homeless, you’re on drugs. That’s not always true. Some people are, and some are struggling with mental health. But others just hit a bad time in their lives. I would happen to be one of those people. I went through a bad divorce, and rather than staying in that marriage, I chose homelessness. At first, I didn’t think it would be that bad but it was so difficult. Not knowing where to go, where to sleep, constantly feeling unsafe and vulnerable. I was by myself and didn’t have anyone to rely on. I didn’t know who to trust. It was horrible.

What I would tell everyone when it comes to the homeless community is to have compassion. Each person is on their own journey, experiencing their own trauma. Get to know them as a person, not just as a person who’s homeless. They might surprise you with their story.